Workday of the Dead

NEWS ALERT: “It has been established that persons who have recently become exhausted at work are returning to life and committing acts of mindless procrastination. A widespread investigation of offices, businesses, and agencies has concluded that these instances of “workplace zombies” have been increasing at an alarming rate, and are claiming more and more diligent victims. It’s hard for us here to be reporting this to you, but it does seem to be a fact…”

Okay, admit it. There are days when you feel like a workplace zombie. You show up to work at the crack of, well, okay, 9:30 and stare blankly at your computer screen as a list of daunting emails expands before your eyes. So, you shuffle off toward the kitchen bellowing the workplace zombie call: “CAFFEINE!!!” Usually, a good dose of coffee or tea will be enough to snap you out of it and get to the task at hand, however BEWARE! There are many other dangers lurking in the workplace that threaten to bring the zombie in you back out.

As an addendum to the CDC’s recent official public service announcement regarding their Zombie Preparedness Program, here is an un-official Workplace Zombie Prevention checklist:

• Avoid Facebook at all costs
• Limit checking your personal email to 3 times per day
• Do not check your eBay auctions every 5 minutes
• Put the smartphone down. It is not playtime
• Unless you are a weatherman, there is no need to check the weather every 10 minutes
• Unless you are a stockbroker, there is no need to check the stocks every 2 minutes
• Unless you are a newscaster, there is no need to check the news every 5 minutes
• Twitter isn’t going anywhere. Stop looking at it
• Your friends and family miss you a lot, but there is no need to text them 100 times a day
• Talking to a co-worker for 45 minutes about your weekend plans does NOT count as working

If you have already succumbed to any of these dangers, and you find that you are currently a workplace zombie, please follow these steps to administer a cure:

• BRAAAINS!!! Use it, or lose it
• Take a short break, walk away from your computer
• Go outside for 5 minutes, get some fresh air
• Respond to pertinent emails and voicemails immediately
• Put your headphones on and crank up your favorite music
• Get involved and actively participate in meetings
• Motivation is contagious. Inspire your co-workers to be productive
• Love what you do. Put your heart into it. Be happy at the office, and it will show in your work

It is our responsibility to look out for each other and keep the workplace zombies at bay. If you know of any other dangers or cures regarding the workplace zombie, please respond to this post and report the action here immediately.


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